A Well-To-Do Woman Was Walking Down The Street

A well-to-do woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman. The homeless woman asked the well-to-do woman for a couple of dollars for dinner. The well-to-do woman took out ten dollars from for wallet and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?” ”No, I stopped drinking years ago”, the homeless woman told her. ”Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the well-to-do woman asked. ”No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. ”I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.” ”Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the well-to-do woman asked. ”Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!” ”Well,” the woman said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.” The homeless Woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.” The well-to-do woman said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!" He lost 63 pounds that week.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

Oops! Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Damn, there go the lights again... Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile, the floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! What do you mean, he's not insured? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch" That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards? Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: “Hello” WOMAN: “Darling, it’s me. Are you at the club?” MAN: “Yes” WOMAN: “I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” MAN: “Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.” WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.” MAN: “How much?” WOMAN: “$70,000? MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000? MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price.” WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!” MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open….. He smiles and asks, “Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?”